It's only been 56 days

It's only been 56 days. I can't believe it. I once thought, "Oh, if I ever get pregnant it will be so easy to stop drinking. I'll just put the bottle down." I had no idea that even 56 days would be hard.

Giving up an emotional crutch is hard. When you drink, or when I drink, I use it to tap down the emotions I feel, especially guilt, pain, and fear. Now, I've got all those things in spades. (Where does that saying come from?)

I've got a special prescription I take when I'm feeling extra crazy. It's a lot like booze, in that it makes you feel pretty numb. I've been taking it the last two days, because it helps me sleep as well. Yesterday I was sure I was having a panic attack on the way to work. Do you ever think, "My God, I'm driving a huge vehicle down a road at 65 miles an hour? Something could go horribly wrong!" My heart starts to pound and I can't breathe. So I take my meds and that feeling goes away. But it makes me numb.

I can't feel anything right now, which is good, and bad. I think I was getting used to being able to identify my feelings. It's nice to know how you're feeling. So maybe I'll just stop taking the numb-er and let myself feel crazy.