Building a relationship

"The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we rely on them far too much." 12&12 pg. 53

My mother is severely mentally ill. She is in and out of mental hospitals, shelters, and the streets. Before my grandfather died, he set up a trust to pay for an apartment for her, which she keeps trying to leave, but my uncle won't let her.

I've always been her savior. I've gotten her on disability, saved her from mental hospitals and delivered her to shelters, I've taken custody of her at the airport after she's been kicked out of whole countries. I'm her caretaker. I dominate her life by doing all the things she can't do for herself, and in return I expect her to act like my mother and give me the love I need.

The day before I got sober, my cousin Diane said to me, "You'll never have a true partnership with another person until you fix the relationship you have with your mother." That hurt. I thought, "I have friends, life-long relationships. I have people in my life that I neither depend too much on, nor try to control. I have partnerships!"

But then again, I do let my relationship with my mom get in the way. I believe no one can love me completely, because any contact by others with my mom ends up hurting them. They see the complete destruction she causes, and it frightens them. What if I end up like her, I think they think. What if she causes all of Anne's attentions to be directed there? I worry that I can't form those true partnerships for fear of being too difficult to love.

Through this program, I will learn to create boundaries between my mother and myself. She's been pretty normal for the past two years, and the one time she showed up on my doorstep at 1:25am I drove her to the bus stop and sent her home. I created a boundary between us made up of all the "fly-over" states, mountains, and pastures. Now, I just have to build that emotional boundary where I won't worry when the other shoe is going to drop.

Lately she's been really depressed. She can't really walk anymore because of a messed up ankle. She's stuck in her house; she used to be really active. I'm afraid. I'm afraid she's going to try to kill herself and I won't be there to save her this time. It'll be too late, and I'll lose her before I even got her back.

I have to trust in this program to get me through something like that. The cool thing is, no matter what, I don't have to drink.