Crazy for feeling so blue

As you can tell, I like song lyrics as post titles.

At my meeting this afternoon a woman was there who I see at all my meetings. She's sweet as can be, and talks a lot about her struggles with addiction and schizophrenia. She helps me remember that we can do this even with mental illness, as long as we are capable of being honest with ourselves.

I've been having vivid dreams lately about not taking my meds. Every mentally ill person I've ever met has said, "The meds change me. They make me another person. If I stop taking them, I'll be me again." Everyone thinks this way, and it's silly. Of course you're a different person; you're not as sick as you were! But that doesn't stop me from thinking it myself sometimes.

Sometimes I think I should just stop taking them and start all over again. Let myself get crazy and prove that I need to take meds. Sometimes you just feel you need proof. Since I'm not drinking anymore, am I really bipolar or was it just the addiction? I have to remember that the booze was just a symptom of a bigger problem: my spiritual shallowness and my disease. Sometimes I just want to know that again. Sometimes I just need that proof of illness.

And sometimes I think I should stop taking them just so I can be hospitalized. I really think that would be good - take a month and just sit in a safe place and work on myself. Work through these issues under the care of someone other than my higher power and my therapist. Sometimes I think I need more help than I'm capable of getting on the outside. My therapist said if it starts to feel too bad that I do have that option. I never thought I would think it, but it's starting to look good. A respite from the pressures weighing on me.

But I'm too proud. I don't want to ask for that kind of help unless it gets really bad, and I'm not there yet. I'm still sane; I'm not psychotic; I'm only rapid-cycling this week. And I'm taking my meds. I'm being good, and I'll continue to be good. I have never had a problem with med compliance and I'm not about to start now.