Ask for help

Ok, so one other person had something to say. Kathy said, "All you have to do to be successful in this program is admit that you don't know, and ask for help."

Wow. Those are two of the hardest things to do. No one likes to admit that they don't know. I lie all the time and make up answers to stuff. I often admit I'm just making it up, but I can't seem to come out and say I don't know. It's just easier for me to sound smart for a minute.

And asking for help. Whew! That one is rough. I suppose that's what we all did when we came to AA. Help me, I'm powerless. And that's what I'm doing every day with every person I talk to in AA. I'm asking for help. I need their guidance to work the steps and to stay sober. I need help. I need help. Wow. That's a hard blow to the ego. I suppose that's where humility starts - asking for help.

I asked for help once. I knew when I was young that I was crazy. Normal kids didn't have their own exacto knife for cutting themselves and drawing on their walls with blood. I knew that it was weird for me to completely isolate and to sometimes sleep in the bathtub with my comforter because I was too depressed to even sleep in my bed. Sometimes I slept under it, just to feel safe.

I asked my mom to take me to a psychiatrist. She made me a deal: gynocologist first, then psychiatrist. She knew I'd been having sex, and she wanted me to get checked out. I acquiesced. I finally got to the therapist (not psychiatrist) and told her all my problems. I laid it out on the table: sometimes I broke stuff just to see if I would hurt myself. I put my hand through windows more times than I care to admit. I would smash the recycling bin contents on the driveway and sweep it up with my hands. I like glass for self-destruction. She asked to see my parents.

And then, she became their marriage therapist and I went back to dealing on my own. I never saw her again. My dad still thinks she's the shit, cause apparently she's a better marriage therapist than a child therapist. I didn't ask for help again. But then, I was kinda forced back into therapy when my Head of School noticed just how fucked up I was. Thank God someone noticed.

I'm not too proud to ask for help, it just never goes anywhere and I seem to only annoy the people I ask. At least, I think I annoy them. So I need to right size myself. I need to realize that I am not shit, I can ask for help. Help me.