Don't panic

"Agoraphobia is the fear of being in a situation where one might experience anxiety or panic."

I've had a lot of irrational fears lately, like going to the grocery store or changing at the gym. My dad says just walk it off, but he has no idea the threat of a panic attack. See, panic attacks are more than just feeling uncomfortable. They feel life threatening, like having a heart attack. Your head and heart begin to pound, you start sweating, and you get these irrational fears that you just can't escape in time.

A few years ago I was boarding an airplane and suddenly felt this dread coming on. The plane was going to crash. I knew it. I just knew in my heart that it was going to go down. I tried to talk myself out of it, and just boarded anyway. I was sitting right next to the door, and watched all the other people get on. And I started to sweat. Would these people be able to open the doors? Would we make it? What if we were stranded in the middle of nowhere? What if none of us survived!?

I was on my way home for Christmas, and really wanted to get there, but I just thought I couldn't do it. "I have to get off the plane," I told the stewardess. "Let me get you some water," she replied. As the door closed I couldn't breathe. I started crying uncontrollably, and I never cry. "Open the door, I have to get off!" "We can't open the door, we've already left the gate," she said. I sat there panicking and then remembered that I had my special sleeping meds with me. I popped a whole one, and within 15 minutes I was calmer and able to sleep the whole way. Needless to say, the plane made it.

That kind of panic attack rarely happens, but I do get that sense of dread sometimes. I feel them coming on, and have to think happy thoughts - get out of my head and not allow the thought to stay in my mind.

So I went to the grocery store today. I was a little nervous, but I made myself go. And guess what? Nothing happened. I was in and out in 15 minutes with all the food I need to survive. And I'm ok. I checked out the Commit lozenges for quitting smoking, but I'm not paying $42 for something that will last me less time than a $6 pack of smokes. So I bought some Halls and some carrots. I'm going to do this. I need to get lollipops, too. I can make it. And when I feel a panic attack coming on, I won't have to smoke. I can find better ways to deal. So let's hope now I'll make it to the gym on Monday.