Kids, kids, everywhere

One of the reasons why I wanted to come home is that everyone has kids now, and I'd like to be more than the auntie that shows up at Christmas and the kid forgets. You know? I'd like to be a part of their lives. I have so many kids in my family now, and I don't have siblings, so I've got to be friends with the next generation somehow.

You know when you're younger and you plan out your life? I thought I would have kids by now. At least 2. And here I am, no boyfriend, no prospects, just getting older and starting to worry about things like that. But of course, should I even have kids if the situation presents itself? Bipolar is not a fun thing, and it's hard to get under control and then sometimes harder to convince yourself to keep it under control. They look like they may be coming up with a genetic test soon, which you all know how I feel about genetic testing.

They say that the highest risk kids for developing mental illnesses have the nature and nurture problems. I've got my bipolar mostly under control, and I'm 99% positive I'd never freak out in front of a kid. I'd just be the kooky mom, but not the crazy one. Also, if your partner had mental illness they, of course, have a higher probability of getting the disease. Like alcoholics, I tend to date depressives. The two can go hand in hand, of course, but I'm sure any kid I have will end up with some sort of mental illness no matter how hard I try.

Do I want to bring a tiny baby into that? Is it fair? Is it fair for me to not be able to have kids because of that? See the things I worry about? Not even on the horizon and I'm scared about it. Dumb.